Night Skies

It wasn't what you've done. It was how you done it.

-

I am at loss of words. At how inconsequential the fragility of my feelings are to you. 

I'm disappointed. The times I've invested in our friendship has all turned to nothing after all. 

It is almost astounding, the shallowness of your immature brain. You're just plain dumb.

No twinge of remorse, really? No apology, as if we owed it to you? We are not puppets, we are not here for you to take us for granted.

 It angers me how you could just treat it as some kind of joke when I was on the verge of strangling you.

Truth is, it hurts. It's like another wheel of friendship. The end of the cycle. 

I'm just speechless.

Is this a series of paranoia or another bare truth?

-

I watched as he held his head up high with infinite excitement, ready to structure his dreams and fulfill his own wish, as well as hers. With a jar of materialistic hopes, almost ready-to-use. With a huge grin and a giddy voice, he nearly sounded like a little boy again, bragging about building his almost finished figurine.


But except this time, he wasn't building a figurine. Except this time, his jar was to be taken.


Twice, it has escaped from me. But now, my thoughts snapped back from my reverie of this visual dream. A dream I've longed for ever. A dream so trivial compared his.


Yet it is still my dream. A hunger I dare not deny.


The chance that once lies between my palms has escaped once again.  Looking through his glasses, I thought how could I stop him from achieving his dream in order to achieve mine? How could I let this selfishness engulf me when it come to rights and wrongs?


Yet I just can't deny that I have this thirst to prove. This thirst to come out of her shadow that everyone sees instead of the former. This thirst to stand on my own feet and strike these assumptions and comparisons downside. This thirst to indirectly yell to people that I'm finally me, not someone's one.


I have this dying thirst, ready to be quenched.


But will it be quenched? 


-


Maybe today, I have to compromise. After all, being the youngest, compromising is essential. Maybe tomorrow, things will be different. They said that once a door is closed, another opens. But where is that open door now? 


I am so tired of searching for the little enchantments in life. Yet I can't stop searching. It hurts constantly whenever I have to give up my dreams in order for him and her to attain theirs. After all, theirs are more real,  more crucial and undeniably fantastic. How could I compare mine to theirs?


Someday, my dreams will wake again. For now, it isn't the right time. I'm just going to let everyone get hurt if I let it out now. So, for now, as much as it hurts for me, as long they are happy, it's worth it. 




Someday, maybe tomorrow, things will change.

Little Note

Hey, what's up?

I bet you think of me no more. I dreamed of you longingly from a distance. Occasionally, I silently wished you were here. Things could have been less similar than now.

You differ from the other guys. You were never afraid to stand up for me or give me a valentine chocolate or keep the final piece of jelly for me. You were not afraid to show it. You had the guts I've always admired. You never failed to paint a smile on my sullen face. You said that I was different from the other girls. And you made me felt like I was the prettiest girl even though I wasn't. You make me feel a tingle whenever your warm tanned skin brushed against mine. And butterflies starts fluttering vigorously in my stomach whenever you start laughing at my jokes.

Remember when you unintentionally hit my face with the door till it bled? How worried you looked? Your face filled with this burden of remorse. Or remember how we always drew comics together? Our heads side by side, close together and you were explaining patiently to me how to draw while I was just staring at you in daze, how uniquely different you are yet so special. I mocked at your 'masterpiece' and mimicked your idea teasingly. You wore such a cute grin and chuckled at my mockery.


Or remember how I always make fun of your name? Remember the three little hints you gave to me before you whispered to me that it was me? That I was the girl you liked? Remember how you bestowed upon me the chocolates? You asked me to not open my bag till I go home, but I did anyway. When my best friend constantly kept asking me why was I smiling like nobody's business and as much as I wanted to tell him, I brushed him off.
You made me see that it wasn't the looks that counts but internal side of you. You made see that it was alright as long as I was so happy. You made me smile like a maniac.

It all happened, a really long time ago. You created such an impact in my life that I'll never be able to forget you. Reminiscing our distant fragments of memories somehow brings a happy yet painful smile to my face.

I just can't deny that it burns a little inside when some other girl took my place. That I become inconsequential to you. How much time can snip our bond like that. I miss the path that we once crossed. I miss your adorable grin. I miss our inside jokes, our endless laughter, our comic books, our little games, our mutual feelings and the little love we had after years. I can't help thinking, if you still remember me?

Yet I'm pretty sure right now, somebody else is in your heart now. For I don't expect you to be pining over a girl from such a distance after years. I'm probably just another number now. Yet I hope you do have a faint memory of me to cherish even from afar. Your pathetic hysterical laugh is still in my mind. Your visage of cheerfulness is still planted in my head. Yet, somehow, faintly, you are still in my heart.

I don't know, but maybe forever.

I miss you.

Yay, what a great friend you are. 

Note the sarcasm. 

Muffled Screams

Just close your eyes,

The sun is going down,

You'll be alright,

No one can hurt you now,

Come morning light, 

You & I'll be safe and sound.

She knows where she going, at least she thought, she knew. Now she's lost all over again.


-


3 weeks of school already feels like crap. It's a bumpy road already, when some days I'm enjoying it, yet mostly, I asked myself what the hell am I doing here. It doesn't help that they are undoubtedly having their time of their life, overlooking the my crushed fortitude. It hurts because I'm almost forgotten already. It pains me, because now I am their odd puzzle, as if I never fit in before. These unleashing true colors are just too agonizing to watch much less to feel.


Most of the time, I just want to hold my ground and stay Here. Here is where I think I belong. Yet it isn't so easy. I wish people could understand. Could you see? I'm There. I don't belong There. But will I belong Here? What if time after time, my thoughts snap back again? I'm lost here. I keep wondering where I am I suppose to stand. The fun raging on behind me keeps tiding my spirits down. How can I look forward, when forward isn't even where I want to be. This petty little odd mid-dimension is killing me inside.


As ages passed, it seems like people are starting to understand me less and less. I find myself grasping my own little feelings alone, struggling to hold my strength as much as possible. Where is the felicity that I prayed for?


I guess it is time to keep my heads up. There's no reason for this to happen to me or maybe there is. I don't know. Someday I'll find my place. Someday, I hope I'll stand here and feel like a little girl being in her pink castle of candies with myriads of fantasies laying upon her eyes. Just some day. 


Something amazing will come out of this, someday. 


I guess I just got to wait.

Merry Go Round

HI WORLD, 




LAUREN! You actually read my blog? XD You have no idea how surprised I am that people still come across my awfully dead and dull little "under construction" blog!


So, it been halfway through about holidays and in about a month time, a new chapter of our life begins. We are gonna be FORM 4! That's where the real difficulty begins, or so what most people said. On the contrary, I'm actually pretty hyped up for next year. Though I have to constantly remind myself that I must not be lazy and slack too much especially my curricular activities. But there's also a list of things I dread for next year. 


Okay, putting that aside, we should still indulge ourselves with this very sweet freedom while it still last. My holidays are so far quite relaxing and productive. I got to be the one of the most 'rajin ass' during the holidays. I didn't study OF COURSE! I did a lot of kumon worksheet and practiced my piano. And finally spent days out with my dear friends. Let's see, I danced and cosplayed for the first time! Yes I know, I COSPLAYED. And I eat. I read 6 novels (achievement for a non-bibliophile person)! Finished Hunger Games trilogy. I draw, paint, sketch, watch disney movies. Finally, what nearly everyone is doing, SURF THE NET and YOUTUBE.

My dear primary school best friend, Li Anne slept over my house and we talked non-stop until the next night when she left. :( Man, I miss you so freaking much! Wish we were in the same school. After 4 years of distance, our friendship is still endless eh!

Too bad my holidays are not filled with exciting vacations like my friends. But it's okay. I hope I'll get my chance next year. Well, I'm going back to Penang in 4 days time. And that's enough to excite me! Can't wait to laugh like a maniac with my crazy cousins.


Wow, that's quite a rant! :P Till I see you again. 


See ya~

I think, I am ready. To take off. To let go of almost everything. To end with a new fresh beginning. To leave everything behind.

I think I might be ready. But then again, I'm confused. Arousing questions swirling inside my crazy dimension. Maybe I need a little clarity.

It frightens me to think that if I were to loosen my grasp to set what's before me free, I might end up regretting, realizing that I'm not so ready after all.

It's better there. I'm afraid what I am searching for isn't there. For it isn't here or anywhere.

Two Oh Wan One

Yes, I know, my blog is forever under construction. :P Oh well.

Won't be blogging much, in fact, so seldom you'll think I quit. Maybe I would. :D

I'm starting to lose my blogging mojo. Besides, I think most people are starting to lose it too.

Well, I'm just gonna do a short brief post about my holidays and school?

Holidays was pretty great actually. I spent most of my time with family. Holidays are to spend time with family right? It was especially really fun when my two cousins came over and we had loads of fun.  I could talk and laugh with them so much that my stomach hurts. And do crappy stuff like messing with make ups like silly girls. And then I went to Penang and of course, stay up till god knows what time laughing like mad talking about craps! Sadly, this time my sis couldn't come. But still, it was an absolute awesomely fun 2 weeks.

                                                  

Ngaw, I miss my siaw sampat kia cousins. The boys are definitely growing up! We look kind of BBQ-ed here because we had BBQ for dinner. :D

And of course I went out with my friends a few times. Had sleepover with sue lin and amanda lim, it was a pretty last minute thing. They said I talked in my sleep. *oops* And I went out to watch movie with my best friend, amanda irdina. :)

And GAH, back to school. I received Christmas pressies from my two very dear friends. Couldn't be more elated! Hee.

Hmm, one week down and it was, exhausting. Well, first week of school is always that way!

51 more weeks to go! 

-

That's a brief post.

Till I update again! Let's have a great two oh wan one. :)

-yisian